New Beginings

Today was a major day for us.  A MAJOR DAY!  Tallulah is stable enough and strong enough for us to kangaroo with her.  For those of you that don't know what that is, its skin to skin contact with the baby.  Well, tonight was the night.  Daddy and I went back and forth and back and forth over who would get to hold her first.  We were both doing the gracious thing and saying things like "no no, you go ahead"  & "no you deserve it more so you go first".  Knowing that we both wanted to say "I'm first!"  We decided to handle it the way we handle all of our major life decisions....rock, papers, scissors.   Not best out of 3.  No.  This was too serious for that.  Not even 1 do over.   NOPE.  This was a make it or break it kind of day.  Just one shot to win or lose.  We couldn't even wait to sit down to do this.  We did it right there standing in the hallway.  Punch one...gulp I started to get nervous.  Punch 2... I thought positive because if you think positive, positive things happen.  Punch 3... and I held my two fingers in the air proudly waving the scissors symbol.  Already tasting the satisfaction of winning.  Only to look over and see Daddy holding a closed, ugly, dry fist in his palm.  As my eyes scrolled up from his fist to his lips, I saw the smile across his face.  He had won.  Yay for him (sarcasm).  I accepted my loss and smiled on the outside knowing I was sad as all get out.  Daddy went and jumped in the shower and I went into the living room to sulk.  About 15 minutes had passed and Daddy called me into the room.  He said a whole bunch of nice stuff and ended it by saying that he really wanted me to hold T-Star first.  He was really really convincing.  I heart him!    YAY FOR ME!!!  I jumped in the shower and scrubbed my chest like a throne getting ready for royalty. 
When we got to the hospital it took a few minutes to set things up.  Before you know it I had a robe on and my shirt was unbuttoned.  I sat in the chair while Team Tallulah captain Dominique untangled the cables and wires that help monitor T-Rues every breath and beat.  In one quick swoop she picked up my angel and was bringing her towards me.  Tallulah looked me right in the eyes as her face passed mine.  I felt surreal.  Her skin was so warm.  I could feel her breathing in and out, in and out.  She wrestled around for a bit before she settled down.  It was as close as I ever thought I would get to know what it feels like to have a baby inside of me.  She squirmed and stretched her legs on me as Dominique covered us in a blanket.  I sang "Pink elephants and lemonade, Dear Jessie hear the laughter raining on the love parade"...by Madonna to her.  Her right hand was on my heart like if I was saying the pledge of allegiance in school.  Every now and then she would close her hands and squeeze.  Squeeze hard I might ad.  It would have felt fantastic, except that I have hair on my chest.  It felt like a slow epi-lady hair remover.  Remember that thing that used to "whisk" the hair away from the skins surface.  That's what came to my mind as Tallulah plucked one hair at a time with her tiny little nails.  I could hear her mouth opening and closing.  I could feel her heart beat.  I was in total nirvana.  I no longer have to wonder what it feels like to be a father.  I AM A FATHER.  I can never, ever thank Daddy enough for allowing me to hold that precious angel first. I am head over heals in love with my new family.  We are perfect in every sense of the word.  I am going to enjoy and cherish every single minute of it. 
When the 60 minutes were up and it was time for Dominique to take her I took a deep breath.  I held it and closed my eyes and imagined Tallulah and I were on our couch at home in this same position.  I imagined that I could hold my breath until I got home, then I would exhale on the couch, and it would be like it came true.  I know that doesn't make sense, but its what I was thinking.  As she was being put back into her cubie I could feel the cool air hit the sweaty little spot that was her hot body just a few seconds  ago.  I felt like I was glowing.  I felt invincible.  I am invincible.  Daddy, Tallulah and I are going to have a fantastic time together no matter what we are doing.  I am so sososososososososososososo happy right now.  Ok.  That's all for now.  I will post some of the pics later when this wears off a bit.  Thanks to all of the staff at the nicu for making Mark and I feel at home!  Your kindness does not go unrecognized.....R